Is it in our human nature to want things that don’t want us? I find myself constantly wishing for things that will never come true. This has been the most difficult thing for me to overcome and I’m still a long way from truly accepting this loss in my life.

I lost my mother at the young age of 12. That story isn’t any new thing for those of you who know me. But I find myself asking WHY? Why in the hell would the God that loves me take away the most precious thing in my life? Maybe I am just focusing on the negative too much, but I notice it more. It’s easier to see, because it’s burned into my head.

I have many people in my life that I have been blessed with. Wonderful people who truly care and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

But. There will always be a But…

I have been craving a Grandpa lately. Yes. Craving. There is no other way to express it. I have been longing for a relationship with my grandpa(s). People have told me that I don’t need one…or it’s okay…or look who you do have.

Sometimes…that’s not enough.

In all honesty my grandpas’ have little to no desire to know their grandchild. (or so it seems) I’m a good person. I do good things. I am doing my best to live my life the way I want to. I’m not perfect, but why is that an excuse to not come around. 

I’m not a big fan of my mother’s father. He’s done some crappy things in his life to say the least. And I can live my life without ever seeing him again…

But I don’t understand the motives or lack of motives behind my dad’s father. I remember years ago he sent all of his granddaughters homemade necklaces. And it was a sweet gesture. It was kind. And I know he’s kind. I have nothing against him other than him not coming around. The few times I have seen him over the years it has been awkward because time does that to people. He’s kind. And I wish I could tell him that.

It’s the things he hasn’t done that make me sad. And when I see pictures of him and his wife with her family, I just break. A part of me just falls down. And in the back of my mind I say…that could be me.

I shake it off…and tell myself the past is the past. And I remind myself that we had good times together when I was little. But I only know that because of pictures and brief memories that are fading.

I go to Utah State University. And he went there too. That’s something we share and I wish we could actually talk about it. On his wife’s side they have grandkids that go to Utah State…and I saw a picture of him wearing a USU sweatshirt with his other grandkids and I started crying — it was THAT painful. Why? Because…once again…that could be me.

I feel like they go out of the way to see his wife’s family…but never my side.

Or maybe just my family. My dad is gay…and sometimes I think that’s why he doesn’t come around.(I don’t how my grandpa feels about my dad, but) I feel like I’m being punished for who my dad is. It sucks.

This is yet another thing that is bottled up inside and I need to let it go. I need to write about it.
I will always wish I had a cute little grandpa to visit and hear stories about when he was a little kid, etc. He’s not the big bad wolf…he just doesn’t know what he’s missing. And maybe he never will.




The Patience to Wait

The past five days have been a constant reminder of how life used to be with a sick mother in the hospital. My uncle (my mother’s baby brother) has been admitted to the Intensive Care Unit since late Saturday, and I have been taking turns caring for his kids while the “grown ups” take care of the big stuff. In the situation I don’t feel like the adult that am, but rather a mirror image of the 12 year old girl who faced many visits to the ICU and spent sleepless nights in the hospital attempting to avoid the beeping noises of the robotic machines towering over my mother’s hospital bed.

My cousin visited the hospital with me this morning, and once we left the room she told me how good I am in  situations like this. She mentioned that I handled things very well and she would have been completely lost if she had to face it alone. I didn’t really know how to respond. It was a compliment, but it’s not something I’ve worked up to be a professional at. It just…happened.

Spending weeks in the hospital — ICU — whatever it was — I was there for my mother. I would watch the movies she wanted to watch, uncertain if we’d be able to watch the next one. I was on edge and all I could do was be optimistic, because the odds were ever so pessimistic.

My uncle is such a passionate person and seeing him lay in a hospital bed confined to a small space in the world, I break just watching. It was hard to be in there for as long as we were, but I’m a kid anymore and I was able to bring out a little of his humor. Not knowing is the hardest thing for me to deal with. Not sure of the diagnosis, or the outcome really bothers me.

A lot of wishing and hope comes during a time like this. More so than any other time: when the certainty of life and death are undefined and towering robotic machines that are burned into my memory haunt me.

Things happen for a reason — but I don’t have the patience to wait around any longer for this one.

I love his kids and his wife. I couldn’t image my life without not seeing them at least once a week.

That wasn’t the case one year ago. But things have changed and I have grown closer to them. And I’m not about to give up that.

I don’t pray often. But I’ll be damned if I don’t pray for this.

Sending good thoughts and hope.

Love you Ryan. Please please heal. With time. I love you 🙂

It isn’t as bad as you think it is!

“‘It isn’t as bad as you think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry’ -I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. ”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

My dear aunt reminded me of this quote by the former President of the LDS Church. We both consider ourselves nonmembers, both raised in the church, we tend to disagree on a variety of religious material in the LDS Church. However, we are quite fond of President Hinckley and his words of wisdom.

Anyway — I am quite surprised at how my attitude changed in a matter of seconds after reading this quote. 

I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I’ve been searching for something more than this.

It’s nice to know people care enough to send a few thoughts my way. 

It’s hard to remember that whatever we are facing, there is always someone else facing something ten times harder than we are. It’s okay to get “down” and pray for help — but what matters in the end is that we recover and pick ourselves back up again. I’m learning this…slowly.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in believing that I’m breakable. But life has proven time and time again that I’m a strong individual who always finds a way to take hold of the scariest situations. Even now as I head into my 4th semester of college — I still feel overwhelmed and unprepared to meet deadlines for payments, books and homework. The semester hasn’t even begun yet and I’m in pre-worry stage. This is something about me that I want to change. I over exaggerate most everything that I cross paths with. I tell myself to breathe and literally have a pep-talk with myself in my bathroom mirror. 

I’ve been given many opportunities, and being a Resident Advisor/Assistant for the Fall 2012 and Spring 2013 semesters is quite the experience that I’m ready for. I want to embrace this opportunity and hopefully I can relax and focus the way I desire.

My goal this semester is to do well in all my classes, not only through grades — but in the classroom. I want to talk to my professors more and reach out to my classmates, too.

Wish me luck!


Soul Searching

I don’t know what else to call what I’ve been doing for the past two and a half months.

Soul Searching. Seems about right.

I can’t stop questioning my motives as a twelve year old child.

Why did I do that? Why did I do this?

I’m so sick of it I could sleep so far into a coma I wouldn’t care if I ever woke up again.

I asked my sister how things would be if our mother were still alive. She responded:

“I don’t know. I didn’t know mom as an adult, only as a child.”

This really enlightened my perspective. I look at things I do as an adult now and I think about what my mother would say. But all I really have is the advice from a child’s perspective.

This past week I’ve wanted an adult relationship with my mother more than anything.

Maybe if I close my eyes long enough she’ll appear.

I guess I still have a child’s life perspective.

I’m working on that.