I don’t know what else to call what I’ve been doing for the past two and a half months.
Soul Searching. Seems about right.
I can’t stop questioning my motives as a twelve year old child.
Why did I do that? Why did I do this?
I’m so sick of it I could sleep so far into a coma I wouldn’t care if I ever woke up again.
I asked my sister how things would be if our mother were still alive. She responded:
“I don’t know. I didn’t know mom as an adult, only as a child.”
This really enlightened my perspective. I look at things I do as an adult now and I think about what my mother would say. But all I really have is the advice from a child’s perspective.
This past week I’ve wanted an adult relationship with my mother more than anything.
Maybe if I close my eyes long enough she’ll appear.
I guess I still have a child’s life perspective.
I’m working on that.