Is it in our human nature to want things that don’t want us? I find myself constantly wishing for things that will never come true. This has been the most difficult thing for me to overcome and I’m still a long way from truly accepting this loss in my life.
I lost my mother at the young age of 12. That story isn’t any new thing for those of you who know me. But I find myself asking WHY? Why in the hell would the God that loves me take away the most precious thing in my life? Maybe I am just focusing on the negative too much, but I notice it more. It’s easier to see, because it’s burned into my head.
I have many people in my life that I have been blessed with. Wonderful people who truly care and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
But. There will always be a But…
I have been craving a Grandpa lately. Yes. Craving. There is no other way to express it. I have been longing for a relationship with my grandpa(s). People have told me that I don’t need one…or it’s okay…or look who you do have.
Sometimes…that’s not enough.
In all honesty my grandpas’ have little to no desire to know their grandchild. (or so it seems) I’m a good person. I do good things. I am doing my best to live my life the way I want to. I’m not perfect, but why is that an excuse to not come around.
I’m not a big fan of my mother’s father. He’s done some crappy things in his life to say the least. And I can live my life without ever seeing him again…
But I don’t understand the motives or lack of motives behind my dad’s father. I remember years ago he sent all of his granddaughters homemade necklaces. And it was a sweet gesture. It was kind. And I know he’s kind. I have nothing against him other than him not coming around. The few times I have seen him over the years it has been awkward because time does that to people. He’s kind. And I wish I could tell him that.
It’s the things he hasn’t done that make me sad. And when I see pictures of him and his wife with her family, I just break. A part of me just falls down. And in the back of my mind I say…that could be me.
I shake it off…and tell myself the past is the past. And I remind myself that we had good times together when I was little. But I only know that because of pictures and brief memories that are fading.
I go to Utah State University. And he went there too. That’s something we share and I wish we could actually talk about it. On his wife’s side they have grandkids that go to Utah State…and I saw a picture of him wearing a USU sweatshirt with his other grandkids and I started crying — it was THAT painful. Why? Because…once again…that could be me.
I feel like they go out of the way to see his wife’s family…but never my side.
Or maybe just my family. My dad is gay…and sometimes I think that’s why he doesn’t come around.(I don’t how my grandpa feels about my dad, but) I feel like I’m being punished for who my dad is. It sucks.
This is yet another thing that is bottled up inside and I need to let it go. I need to write about it.
I will always wish I had a cute little grandpa to visit and hear stories about when he was a little kid, etc. He’s not the big bad wolf…he just doesn’t know what he’s missing. And maybe he never will.