I’m being selfish, and that’s ok.

For the first time in a year I am not obsessing over the things I cannot change.
For the first time in a year I am at peace with this realization.

My life is far from perfect. But I’ve made some wonderful progress in the past few months.
There are things I still need to improve. That is something I’m sure I will always be facing, but with some advice and an entire summer, I am able to say I have let go of a part of my life that was only tearing me away from reality.

I never considered myself anything like my mother. I only believed I inherited her strength, but after her death and almost 9 years later…I am finding myself a lot like my mother.

I am stubborn.
I am determined.
I am strong.
I worry.
I fight.
I am anxious.

These things are traits I have that I know my mother must have something to do with.

For the longest time, especially within the last year, I’ve tried to change my relationships with my mother’s side of the family. This is something she attempted and failed at. I’ve discovered it’s not only impossible, but unbearable. The reason for that, is because I have been taking the wrong approach. I’ve been trying to take the relationship I had with them when I was 12 (and younger) and grow from there…

The problem with that is that I’m not seeing them for what they are today, but rather what I knew them as a child.

I’m an adult. I’m responsible. I’m confident. I’m financially independent.

Things have obviously changed since I was a 12 year old girl. I’ve decided to take a different approach. This meaning, I am no longer going to hold on to what I believe my relationship with my uncles, aunts and cousins should be, but rather what they are and will be.

I’m excited to say I’ve let go of the past in that way. I’m thrilled, and it’s exciting that I now wear a less heavy burden.

I didn’t visit my mother’s hometown for the entire summer (aside from a wedding) and it was quite the change. I hadn’t really planned it that way, I just never went up to Rexburg. It was very refreshing to not go up there. I had no pressure. I had no anxiety about it whatsoever. It was truly enjoyable.

I came to discover some feelings a family memeber  of mine had about me personally, and though we came to an understanding later, I still feel it’s best I don’t hang around anymore. I no longer have a desire to satisfy them by spending gas money and time to make visits that are only pressure for them. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. And I know that doing this will only make me more confident about the person I am, and the person I want to be and don’t want to be.

I don’t want to obsess over how other people are feeling constantly. At the end of the day what matters is how I feel about myself. I’m a worry wart, and the more I am able to let go of that anxiety, the better.

Right now, I’m being selfish, and that’s ok. It is long over due and much needed in order for myself to grow.

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