Always changing.

I try to be spontaneous.

I used to be a very plan-oriented person. I’ve lost sight of that. I’ve been disappointed far too many times to continue the ritual of Plan A, B, C, etc. I noticed how obsessive and anxious I would get with every minute closer and the second after when a plan didn’t go through. It’s seriously such a trigger for my anxiety. I’m super anxious when I work myself up into a frenzy. I do have actual panic attacks, and I, to this day, still don’t know how I am able to focus and calm down.

This is something that I’m trying to make part of my past. I no longer want to feel locked away and unable to adapt or deal with change. It’s something that throughout the years I’ve practiced and haven’t quite perfected. In fact, it’s so far from that, I’m not sure if I’ve even made much progress. But it’s a goal. And I’m dealing with it.

Back to the spontaneous me.

I also used to be the kind of person that would blurt things out before my brain had the chance to even fathom what was preparing to escape my mouth and form into actual conversation. I was blunt. And when you’re a kid, you’re told not to do something so many times that soon enough you do exactly that. I stopped saying what I felt. I now keep quiet until I feel my words are worthy to hear.

This is something I’m also trying to work on. I want to believe that the words I say have importance and meaning behind them. My words count. They matter. And whatever comes out of my mouth is a thought I’ve had and obviously want to share. I guess I’ve been afraid of the world to know me. That’s changing. And I’m saying what I feel instead of only what I believe to know.

I’m also working on being more open minded. I’ve always considered myself a wide open book, filled with hundreds of mixed emotions and opinions that I lay out for the world to see. (not so much in conversation, but remember, I’m working on that;) I believe we can always be more open minded tomorrow than we were yesterday. It’s a constant thing. Life. It’s constantly changing and that means ideas are too. We, as a human race, are struggling to adapt, but at least we are adapting. And I want to be a part of that. I want to be a sincere advocate for myself and those around me. And that means not always agreeing with others, but at least understanding and accepting them.

I have no room for hate, anger, stress, etc. in my life. By releasing the idea that I am right and everyone else is wrong is something I’ve tried to approach most every situation in life with. What I deem as important, right, appropriate, etc. may be complete opposite for someone else. I’m making room for others in my life. And remaining open minded will help me accomplish this goal.

I’m also going to stand firm in the things I like or don’t like. I’m open minded, but there are things that I know for a fact that I love or dislike. That’s not to say I won’t change my mind later, but in the time being I will be brave enough to stand up for what I believe. For example: (I know it’s a small example, but still) I love Miley Cyrus. I’m a true fan. I admire her. People may not understand that. But that’s okay. Because I understand it, and that’s what matters. I can laugh about jokes people make about her, because, sure it’s funny (but only for so long) and I’m sure she’s laughing too. I mean, did you see SNL? She is so comfortable and very aware of what others are saying about her, and yet she keeps doing what she does.

Anyway, the point is. We all have things we can individually improve on. It’s up to us how we do it, when we do it, and what the end result is. Frankly, I don’t think there ever is an ending point to learning. I think we are constantly changing, learning, and adapting. It’s a beautiful thing.

And I’m so lucky to be a part of it.

I’m so glad to be a part of history in the making.

Thanks for hearing me out.


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